Posted on Friday, 8th January 2010 by Catherine
Dear beloved children of mine:
I have been feeling like a crazy mom for several months now. I wonder what is making me this way? Is it age? Hormones? Stress? One may never know. All I do know is that if I have to continue to ask 5+ times for you to do things I will completely lose my mind. I am very close, believe me.
Last night you may have seen a glimpse of how that might be. I asked you to clean up the markers and coloring off the table so we could eat dinner. Not once, twice but numerous times. No one listened because you were too busy running around screaming and fighting with one another. It was complete chaos and I lost it. It was in the moment that I was shouting for you all to “get away from me” that I stopped and started thinking.
Is THAT what I have taught you? That it is your right as a sibling to say and do mean things to each other? To talk down to your 2 year old brother? To say things deliberately to upset each other. To bicker and argue all the time? To not listen the first 5 times I ask nicely for you to do something?
It is incredibly draining as a mother to listen to the craziness and to referee non-stop. It is no wonder I am exhausted at the end of each day. So much so, that I can’t focus on the things I want to do – like increase readership here on the site.
The reason why your little brother always yells is because we have turned into a “yelling” family. I am not proud of this at all. It seems as though raising my voice to a VERY loud volume is the only way I can get through to you.
Today I am sad. I feel like I am failing to teach you the very basics in life. Failing to show you how to be nice to others, to share, be respectful and to be good listeners. As much as I hate to admit it, you are learning this due to my parenting style.
As strange as this may sound, sometimes I give too much of myself to you. Sometimes I allow you to dictate our day, our meals, our outings. I work all day to make you happy. It is an impossible feat.
When your childhood is all about you it is not showing a accurate picture of real life . Real life is quite the opposite, it will hardly ever be all about you. I want you to learn how to be respectful, giving, productive members of society. I am realizing that in order to help you, things have to change in our household.
Don’t worry, I have just as much changing to do as you, in fact maybe more.
I am owning my downfalls and will make every effort to try and modify my attitude and character so that you can learn from me. One of the things I am doing is to participate in a online book discussion over at We are THAT Family. The book is called Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child’s Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days
I just started reading it and am really looking forward to seeing what I can do as a mom to make this household more of a pleasant place to be. I love each of you with all my heart and am very proud of you. I need to show it in a different way to help mold your character. So stay tuned!
Love,
January 8th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
Don't be so hard on yourself. You've identified the areas you want to work on, and you can do just that. But give yourself a break, ok? You are keeping it together so well and kids get out of control because, well, they're kids.
Enjoy your weekend!
Liz
January 8th, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Wow. I needed this to read this today. As I a mom of three little boys (7 and 4 1/2 y.o. twins) I felt as though I was reading my own words, except you wrote them better. It IS draining to referee and ask and ask and ask and I hate the the mom I am when I get to the point of ENOUGH! Thanks for putting words to things I was thinking. This is my first time checking out your blog, but I'll be back!
My recent post You've been matched!
January 8th, 2010 at 4:28 pm
Cath – don't feel sad, bad, – this is all part of life – trust me – mine are 15 and 17 and it still happens. concequences just get bigger as they get older. sure we can try and stop the yelling – we learned to count before we speak, we've even made the kids sit across from the table and write down 3 things they liked about each other and then discuss it – it's amazing how they fell after this, and nice to hear your kids talk to each other and tell them that they really do like each other – then hug!!! that's the fun part
January 8th, 2010 at 3:32 pm
Great idea about writing down nice things about one another..I know this too shall pass BUT I have met the kids who did not grow up in the environment I am aiming for and I certainly don’t want my three on that list!
January 8th, 2010 at 3:33 pm
Libby: Thanks for stopping by and I am glad this hit home. Reading your comment assures me that I am not the only one who feels this way. I will head over and check out your blog!
January 8th, 2010 at 3:34 pm
Thanks Liz…just needing to vent a bit and it was good! I am focused on some changes but also realize non of us are perfect in anything we do including parenting. Have a great weekend too!
January 8th, 2010 at 10:24 pm
I noticed that too! I may need to check into that book once I master my kiddos!!
January 8th, 2010 at 10:40 pm
Stacy:
It is great to hear how your kids compliment each other. I often tell mine that at the end of the day "each other is all they've got" – not sure they get that but if said enough more many years perhaps they will understand!
January 8th, 2010 at 6:33 pm
thank you catherine! i needed that today! Marie and I have been having a rough bedtime (for her not me) and Eric told me last night that i was being mean and needed to be nicer to her, she's only three. i was crushed (and a little frustrated with no offer for him to help me at bedtime!) So glad to know that even you have loud moments!
Sarah =)
January 8th, 2010 at 10:42 pm
Mine listen much better to Glenn than me…go figure! It is hard but sometimes being "the bad guy" is the best way to earn their respect. Kids crave structure, routine and even discipline! Good luck~
January 9th, 2010 at 2:54 am
Heyyyy- wait a minute? How did you spontaneously switch places with me??? That's exactly what goes on in our house. Ain't going to give you any glass is half full here…I relish in the fact that one day they too will have children and will get a dose of "how many shoes does one child have to have spread out around this house? I'm going to gather up anything that doesn't belong in the living room and donate it to charity!!!" ACK! Kids- gotta love 'em. Hugs girl and one of these days, we'll share laughs over a latte!
January 12th, 2010 at 2:36 am
Catherine, boy! did your post strike a chord. Even today although my boys are "young men" I still feel the guilt of did I yell too much?, did I show them how to be productive caring men? Or, did I teach them all the wrong ways of reacting to stress filled days? I don't know, I didn't have blogs like this to read, friends like you have to bounce ideas off of. ….I think they are doing ok so far…a few bumps, but ok!
I believe that because you are writing to your children now, caring about your reactions to their behavior, and trying to show them options for being good brothers and sister to each other. They will all three be caring, giving, loving members of life!
January 18th, 2010 at 9:49 pm
[...] A Letter to my Children (The Shoe Box Daily) [...]
January 22nd, 2010 at 4:12 pm
Catherine – what I love about you – straight honesty!!! This was great for me today – we are a yelling household, as well, and I have lately been coming to terms with my parenting style! I must say, It's no fun to take that deep look! But, I'm finding little things that help out, such as me not raising my voice, and setting expectations for the girls. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with everything that needs to get done and I"m sure they sense it, too. So, we turn things into games – who can do something the fastest, etc….. It does take time, and the fighting is still there between Sophie and Ellie (which I sitll blame mostly on cancer) but I do hold out hope that it's not too late for them.
I"m sure going to check out this book you put up! Just wanted to stop in and thank you for always putting things in perspective! You are amazing and I miss seeing you!! Glad to hear though, that this roller coaster ride of the last 5 years is pulling into the home stretch – so so happy for you!!!