Posted on Wednesday, 6th January 2010 by Catherine
Photo by: Paola
My very closest friends are smiling right now as they know how I feel about “the good news”
Have you ever being telling someone about an unfortunate situation in your life and their response is “well the good news is __________________.”
MOST days I am all for the good news…and I often can find it myself . If I did not have the capability to see the silver lining in a situation let’s face it I would be in some sort of 12 step program hiding under my covers all day long.
I am the QUEEN of perspective which is what the “good news” really is – a perspective about how your situation could be worse.
If you are a “giver of the good news” and yes I am one of THOSE people…it can be an endearing but also annoying quality. You probably have the ability to see a situation for what it is and can offer your friends in need a good dose of perspective.
Be mindful. Sometimes people (women) especially want to just vent and have a sympathetic friend say
“yes that stinks, I’m sorry” or “I hate that you are dealing with this, what I can do to help?”
They don’t need you to solve their problem or one up them with “well at least ______ didn’t happen like it did to me.”
Just so we are clear, there are times when I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE GOOD NEWS.
I just want to complain share my stress or drama with someone else. I want to cry, be sad, be angry or hurt.
Most of what I am dealing with (an amazing child with cancer, financial stress, a husband that travels A LOT, the loss of my mother, the lack of local family support etc) are not things anyone can fix. Heck I can’t fix them – I can only learn to walk in the shoes of my life.
I may just need to “untie” my shoes for a bit. Allow that of your friends who are struggling. Give them time to vent and unload a bit without offering up “the good news” all the time. You will be a much better friend if you do this for them, believe me!
There are those times when people who have VERY few coping skills and (to stick with the shoe metaphor) can’t walk in any shoe that doesn’t fit perfectly are complaining about downright ridiculous things. They may just need a little bit of “the good news” to help keep their perspective in check. A fine line to walk my friends but a necessary one.
You can toss a little “good news” their way in a manner that does not make them feel like their problem is not valid but gently nudges them back to a reality that life; in general is good. Most of us are very fortunate and have been blessed many times over.
Learning when to support a friend who is struggling is a ever changing task. Knowing when to keep quiet and when to offer advice or good news is something that we all probably need to work on. Just realizing that you can just listen and not have to fix someones situation is a very valuable trait.
Next time a friend tells you about their struggle think before you speak. Make sure that you are being the type of listener they need at that moment. Helping friends see perspective and good things in life is such an important concept but being sympathetic is equally important. It is all about balance! Seek that friendship balance. It will be a win/win in life.
January 6th, 2010 at 6:06 pm
Great post! I remember when I found out that my husband had chronic lymphoma (prognosis less than 5 years), according to my friends and acquaintances "the good news" was that at least I had "had ten good years" with him that I should have been grateful for. Never mind the fact that I was 4 months pregnant and was facing the prospect of raising our child, that we had spent 8 years trying to make, alone. I did not need to hear how "lucky" I was, I needed a little sympathy. 4 years later I am happy to say that he is beating it and I am grateful for that every day.__I'm very glad to have discovered your blog. All the best to you and your family for the New Year! My thoughts are with you and your family.
January 6th, 2010 at 8:10 pm
SO glad I could make you smile.
January 6th, 2010 at 8:12 pm
Lisa –
So glad you found me too!
Just reading your comment made me feel lucky. I can’t imagine going at the parenting thing alone (although I know many do it every day). It is wonderful to hear your husband is winning his battle with Lymphoma. Best to you and your family.
January 7th, 2010 at 3:57 am
ohhh you are so right!!!! you know as well as I how many people want to solve it, fix it, and not just shut up and let you vent. I hear you sister and believe me, I'll call it a crap sandwich when I see it
Hugs to you
Elle
January 28th, 2010 at 9:23 am
[...] and simply say “This sucks and I am sorry” – no need to give them the “good news” all the [...]
March 13th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
Yes, I know how that is – just needing to vent and not needing a solution. My husband always tries to "solve" whatever I am venting about. Finally, I just told him – Robert, I didn't ask you to solve the problem, I just want to tell you about it. Just listen." Thanks for your words.
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