“We all need new shoes” I tell my husband…correction.  I want my kids to have a pair of new shoes for school.  Oh the whole want verses need argument that I have over and over in my head.

Do the kids get everything they want?  Nope.

Do I get everything I want in life? Nope.

Are we hurting for the things we need?  Nope.

Do we have excess in luxuries?  Yes.

Does realizing how blessed we are count for something?  Maybe

Balancing the want with the need is something I struggle with all the time.  I have learned over the past few years how very little in the way of “items” one needs to survive on this earth.  I have cut back on frivolous spending and ask myself “do I really need this ______?”.  If I keep going back to it time and again then I must either need it or WANT it really, really badly.

I tell my groups I speak to that even something as small as a new pair of shoes can change your whole outlook – not only just for the “fashion” but also your confidence and desire to “get up and go”.    Around here new shoes for school are just part of the process of getting excited about school and feeling confident that first day.

So we ended up with new shoes for the kids but I decided to put my new shoes back on the shelf to be purchased “at a later date” – teaching my kids and myself a bit about the waiting game.  To reinforce the “waiting” I also told the kids they can’t wear their shoes until school starts…wow mean mom eh?

So they anxiously wait to put on those new shoes and carry their new backpacks with colorful school supplies.

Bottom line is I LOVE a new pair of shoes for what it brings to your life.  Keeping the new shoes to special occasions is the hard part but I am working on it!

Many of you know that recently my husband’s contract job ended.  Over the past 6 weeks we have had a lot of change in our lives.  Mason finished his cancer treatment we threw an awesome party to celebrate and we are learning  a lot about our budget and finances.  My husband still has not found a job.  As the days tick away  I realize that I may have to dust off my working shoes and look for a job outside our home.

The prospect of this downright terrifies me.  Not because I am afraid to work – it is quite the opposite.  I know I am a hard worker, I know I am an asset to an employer.  What I don’t know is how to go about finding a job when I have been technically out of work for 7 years.  I am researching this and polishing off my resume.  The burning question is WHAT ON EARTH DO I WANT TO DO?

I can’t answer that right now but I have determined some jobs I am not looking for (even if I am somewhat qualified for them).

1. Daycare – Apparently I don’t like other peoples children very much.  I know I could never work in childcare.  The simple fact that I can admit it should make most of you relived.  I won’t be running an in home daycare or applying at local centers.  It is just not in the cards for me.

2. Teaching - I am not patient enough to teach anyone anything.  My hat is off to all of the homeschooling parents out there.   Each day I aspire to be a better teacher to my kids.  I am working on it and recognize my short comings with it.  Teaching is such a gift and I appreciate all those who do it every day.

3. Bookkeeper – Due to budget constraints I am attempting to complete our tax return both business and personal.  Let me tell you – crunching numbers and reading tax rules is not my cup of tea.  It boils down to keeping track of very small details (which apparently I can’t do very well).

4. Professional house cleaner – About a year ago we eliminated our cleaning service and I have been doing all the cleaning.  It is good for me and I always feel accomplished when I can look at my clean house (for 5-10 minutes and then it starts to get messy again).  I don’t mind cleaning our mess here but I know going into other peoples homes and cleaning up after them is not in the cards.

I think right now it boils down to fear of more change.  Change for my kids being in childcare, change for me not being able to stay home with them.  Change in our routine and ability to do things on a whim.

Staying at home is a thankless job.  I see so many more blessing in it than I once did.  The thought of losing that opportunity just makes me want to “do it” more.  I am starting to think about all the activities I couldn’t do if I went back to work.  I am mindful that it has been a huge blessing to have been able to stay at home this long for so many people do not really have that option.  Of course if it comes down to it I will pound the pavement and help us over the speed bump.

I have mentioned before that change is hard. Big changes, little changes, changes that make us uncomfortable.  Even good change can be hard.  For now I am keeping faith and hope that my husband will find a job and perhaps I can continue to stay at home raising my kiddos; which at the end of the day is really the job I most desire.

If you are experiencing change in your life I encourage you to remain hopeful.  Never give up.  A blessing is right around the corner.

If you believe yourself to be a perfect parent you might want to stop reading now.

I don’t believe in perfect parenting.  I think what makes parents who we are is a bunch of little imperfections. Parenting shoes are some of the hardest and most humbling shoes we wear.

We mean well but sometimes don’t do well.

Sometimes we are mean and we don’t want to be, other times we are mean and we intend to be to get a point or lesson across.

We make mistakes probably every single day yet we don’t always own our mistakes.

We try to set a good example but sometimes hear our own words being repeated and they don’t sound nice coming from our children.

We set limits and create routines for our children but often crave these things in our own life.

We try to make it “all better” with a hug but occasionally we hurt to our core when our child is hurting.

We may have judged others parenting choices without thinking about what we would have done in that same situation.

We smile when we want to cry to show our children strength.

We laugh at their “not so funny” antics to help build their self-esteem.

We slack a bit and feed them cereal for dinner (more than once).

Occasionally we “wish” for a stage or an age to pass but then crave it once we realize they grow up way to fast.

We fib to our kids to get our way or to avoid that dreaded “bouncy house” activity.

We make time to read to our kids when it is the last thing we want to do.

We force them to sit with us and read to them when it is the last thing they want to do.

We kiss dirty toes to make the scrap better and don’t even think twice about where those toes have been.

We have eaten more meals on the go that we care to admit.

We give and give and give until we have nothing left, then we go to bed and wake up and do it all again.

We sit through endless baseball, soccer, lacrosse, hockey games freezing our bums off cheering for our children.

Occasionally we don’t mean what we say and we don’t get around to saying what we mean often enough.

You see, we are never perfect parents because we are human.  We are imperfect beings fumbling along in this crazy world.  We love our kids but we make mistakes and we are far from perfect. As long as we are giving our best most of the time that is all our children can ask of us and in return that is really all we ask of them.

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My sweet boy:

You have rosy bright red cheeks, you have not eaten all day, you have a high fever and just want to sleep but you can’t because your cough is driving you crazy.  You take a bath at noon hoping that might help your aches and pains.  You try to sleep but can’t get comfy.  You are frustrated and irritable.  We pack up and head to Children’s Hospital because the rule is, a oncology child with a fever must be seen. That makes you even more irritable.  The last thing you we want to do is drive to the hospital and be poked and paraded.

A chest x-ray, exam from at least 3 doctors, a nasal wash(one of the worst procedures ever), IV fluids, oxygen a pneumonia diagnosis, and admit to the 9th floor. This was not how tonight was supposed to go.

Tonight you were supposed to be home with a babysitter having fun and eating pizza. You were supposed to be playing hide and go seek and eating junk food.  I was supposed to be at a the Avalanche game with Daddy and some friends.  I realize the best place for you is here at the hospital.   I realize there will be other Avalanche games to see and friends to visit with. I also realize that this treatment journey we have been on for 5 years is nearly  finished.

I wonder, is that why it seems so much harder to be here?  Is it because we are already “ready” to be free from chemo, fevers and hospitals. We have done our time and paid our dues and spent over 100 nights here at Children’s.  Well apparently we are not quite done.  We do not have any control over this illness but we do try and make the best of it.  It doesn’t make it any easier or any more fun.

Sitting here listening to the oxygen blowing into your nose and the dripping of the humidifier water, the beeping from the nurses desk and the low whine of the IV fluid pump somehow makes me feel comforted.  I feel secure knowing you are getting good care and that we can do this.  We have done it before and we may have to do it again before we are all done.  You are absolutely by far the strongest person I know.  I draw from your courage and am so proud of how you handle all the unfairness of your life.

So I guess this IS how it was supposed to go.  I might as well embrace it because it is our life, it is far from perfect but,there are so many perfect things about it.

Love,

There was stuff everywhere. After having 11 people in our house for a week I had work to do. I’d also been sick with the stomach flu, and the everyday picking up of our house had been neglected.

It was a “get stuff done” type of day.

Then my two-year-old came up and said, “Read to me mommy.” There he stood with his big blue eyes, holding a book. My heart melted.

Join me at Steady Mom with your parenting shoes on for the rest of the story…

This post was written a few weeks ago on my monthly column for Steady Mom.  This week is the release of Jamie’s book.  Steady Days.

I am reading it now and will share my thoughts on this wonderful book in a few weeks.  -

Dear beloved children of mine:

I have been feeling like a crazy mom for several months now.  I wonder what is making me this way?  Is it age? Hormones? Stress? One may never know.  All I do know is that if I have to continue to ask 5+ times for you to do things I will completely lose my mind.  I am very close, believe me.

Last night you may have seen a glimpse of how that might be.  I asked you to clean up the markers and coloring off the table so we could eat dinner.  Not once, twice but numerous times.  No one listened because you were too busy running around screaming and fighting with one another.   It was complete chaos and I lost it.  It was in the moment that I was shouting for you all to “get away from me” that I stopped and started thinking.

Is THAT what I have taught you?  That it is your right as a sibling to say and do mean things to each other?  To talk down to your 2 year old brother?  To say things deliberately to upset each other.  To bicker and argue all the time?  To not listen the first 5 times I ask nicely for you to do something?

It is incredibly draining as a mother to listen to the craziness and to referee non-stop. It is no wonder I am exhausted at the end of each day.  So much so, that I can’t focus on the things I want to do – like increase readership here on the site.

The reason why your little brother always yells is because we have turned into a “yelling” family.  I am not proud of this at all.  It seems as though raising my voice to a VERY loud volume is the only way I can get through to you.

Today I am sad.  I feel like I am failing to teach you the very basics in life.  Failing to show you how to be nice to others, to share, be respectful and to be good listeners.  As much as I hate to admit it, you are learning this due to my parenting style.

As strange as this may sound, sometimes I give too much of myself to you.  Sometimes I allow you to dictate our day, our meals, our outings. I work all day to make you happy.  It is an impossible feat.

When your childhood is all about you it is not showing a accurate picture of real life .  Real life is quite the opposite, it will hardly ever be all about you.  I want you to learn how to be respectful, giving, productive members of society.  I am realizing that in order to help you, things have to change in our household.

Don’t worry, I have just as much changing to do as you, in fact maybe more.

I am owning my downfalls and will make every effort to try and modify my attitude and character so that you can learn from me.  One of the things I am doing is to participate in a online book discussion over at We are THAT Family.  The book is called Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child’s Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days

I just started reading it and am really looking forward to seeing what I can do as a mom to make this household more of a pleasant place to be.   I love each of you with all my heart and am very proud of you. I need to show it in a different way to help mold your character. So stay tuned!

Love,

Yesterday I was THAT mom.  I am not sorry about it either.  I can own that I have a bit of  crazy in me when it comes to certain things. One of which is SLEEP.  I pride myself in all three of my kids being excellent sleepers.  The ONLY time any of them are up at night is if they are throwing up sick.  So 99% of nights I put them to bed and don’t hear from them again until 7 am.  Yes, I am lucky but I also spent lots of time teaching them to sleep and I make sleep habits and routines a priority.

Yesterday morning that perfect little sleep world of my was at risk of being interrupted… Picture this~

Monk (7 yo) says: “Mom, where did “Doo” (my 2 year old) sleep last night?”

Me: “In his crib, why?”

Monk: “Well he is coming down the stairs right now”

Doo: “Morning Mommy”

He had proudly escaped the crib  so looked adorable walking down the stairs to greet us.  After breakfast I put him in his crib to see how he was making his magic.  He climbed right out, climbed back in and back out again with a huge smile on his face.  As if to say “this is too easy, why didn’t I  try months ago!”

What I thought was so cute earlier now has the potential to mess with my sleep and my somewhat peaceful evenings.

I did not have time to make a plan because Monk had a clinic appointment at Children’s Hospital.  Doo and his antics would have to wait.

I knew when we arrived home after 2 pm and my two year old little devil angel was still up running around that he would not stay in his crib for our sitter therefore had not taken a nap.

I needed a plan. I was not ready to fight the bed battle at age 2.  I know it works for some but I firmly believe the longer they stay in their crib the better sleep habits they establish.

I hopped on Google University only to find that one can no longer purchase a crib tent in stores like I could a few years ago when “the girl” was escaping her crib. Ordering online looked to be my only option.

My heart starts racing a bit. Umm waiting days for a tent is really not in the cards and overnight shipping was a joke! I don’t want him to think that HE gets to decide if he naps and I don’t have the patience to play games at bedtime. (remember I said I am a little bit crazy)

In the back of my mind I thought “maybe he won’t get out of bed if he is tired enough”

Who was I kidding?  This kid is as stubborn as they come – “spirited” is the word the pediatrician used.

So I went to my old stand-by by in a pinch website – Craigslist. I searched crib tent and two came up – one was new and the other used.  I e-mailed both people and waited anxiously for a response.  After about an hour I got news of a crib tent being available and I could go and get it right away.  Yippe!!

The downfall – it was a 50 min drive one way.  I did not think twice about it.  I loaded the kids up and off we went – to reclaim my parental sanity.

He slept fine last night and is napping peacefully right now!!

Truth be told I might have driven longer and paid more!

This post is part of the carnival at Your Life Your Blog~

Have you ever done something crazy to save your sanity? Please share.

I have on my reminiscing shoes today as I participate in the blog carnival over at Blog Nosh that benefits Tide Loads of Hope for the Holidays.  The question was “how do the holidays fill you with loads of hope?”  For me it is not only during the holidays that I am filled with hope but every single day.

At the tender age of 2 1/2 my son Mason stopped walking.  He said his leg hurt.  He was fairly persistent so after a couple of days I decided to call the doctor.  We were sent for x-rays.  Nothing showed up but he was put into a cast with the hope that immobility would heal whatever was going on.  We waited three weeks, removed the cast and still he could not walk.  He began spiking fevers, was extremely fatigued, pale and just not himself.  Thankfully I kept a journal of his doctor visits and the various treatments we tried.

I began my journey with “google university” checking into all of his symptoms.  I had a horrible sick feeling in my gut telling me something was very wrong with him.  At times he would have a moment of normalcy and my fears would subside briefly.  After 6 excruciating weeks of this he started to complain of his other leg hurting.  My husband and I decided to take him directly to the local Children’s Hospital ER.  On the very short drive to the ER I recall saying that we were pretty much guaranteed to find out good or bad what was going on with him.

Seven hours, one IV, an ambulance ride and a ton of anxiety later we received the news that would forever change us.  Our son has cancer. Leukemia, which is cancer of the blood.  It was 4 am and they had paged the on-call oncologist.  I could barely utter the word oncologist much less wrap my head around being admitted to the oncology floor at Children’s Hospital. Somehow we found strength to ask tough questions, hear things we did not want to hear about the side effects of treatment and stand by his side as his advocates and cheerleaders.  Looking back on that day it was one of the scariest days of my life.

Nothing can prepare you for a moment like that. Mason existed as a frail, sick and exhausted 2 year old.    My heart broke watching him lay in the hospital bed that was way too big.  He was just a toddler yet  he was facing 3 years and 3  months of chemotherapy treatment. At that moment we had to invest all we could in hope.  Strangely relief set in. We now knew what was wrong with him and could begin to heal him.

When you are a parent of a child with cancer or any other life threatening illness hope becomes one of you sole sources of strength.  There is no other option than to be hopeful for your child to overcome and heal.  Our hope and vision for Mason is that he will be a cancer survivor and grow up to do amazing things.

Every treatment he receives confirms our hope for his cure. Each blood draw that shows no leukemia gives us more hope.  The holiday season is particularly difficult for us because on December 26, 2007 Mason had Leukemia cells show up in his spinal fluid.  It was a routine clinic visit that ended in heartbreak.  We did not give up hope even with this news of relapse.  He was facing an additional 104 weeks of much more intense chemotherapy and cranial radiation.  We were devastated, sad, scared and overwhelmed.

Mighty Mason (as he has come to be known) fights every week (93 weeks down in the relapse therapy), endures more than most people ever will in life and does it all with a smile.  His strength gives me hope on days when I am worn out and tired.  With only 11 weeks to go the end is in sight.  The side effects of having nearly 5 years of treatment will be lifelong but such a small price to pay for us to be able to keep him alive.

We have hope, we live for hope and we share hope with others during their dark times at Children’s.  We will never give up hope.  In the end it is all we have.

I have a cookie exchange coming up with my MOPS group on Tuesday.  It is snowy and cold today so I thought what better time to put on my baking shoes and get them done. My signature cookie is snickerdoodles.  I got the recipe from my husband’s grandmother and was told I have to master it since he would be living so far away from his grandmother and she makes the best snickerdoodles.  A tall order I must admit  but I have made them so many times in the past 8 years I can almost do it in my sleep.  What I learned today however was that I can’t do it with 3 active kids in the kitchen.

It started out okay but then once they figured out what I was doing I had “help” galore.  ”Flour is fun” says my 2 year old.  Umm not really that much fun to clean up I think to myself.

I want to help “roll” them says my 5 year old as she licks dough off her fingers – Umm not until you wash your hands I reply.

My oldest was reading a book at the kitchen table and needed help with some words.  Each time I would momentarly leave the kitchen aide bowl my 2 year old would turn it on (in the hook raised up position).   At the same time my daughter would be “sneaking” some more dough – Hello I am right HERE in the kitchen, I can see you doing that.  No shame I tell you.

“Don’t touch the cookie sheet, it is hot” – one minute later, “ouch that is hot”.  Really?

“Mommy I wan cukee” (cookie)  says Cooper.  I offer him one from the cooling rack.  ”Not that one” he says as he points to the bowl with the dough it in “that one!”.  Ah I see, you have eaten so much cookie dough you don’t even know what a COOKED cookie tastes like.

About halfway through the process they decide it is time for lunch. Cooper puts a box of macaroni and cheese on the counter and walks away as if to say “I’ll take some of this”.

No worries I am here to serve you, all three of you, all the time and all at once.

This my friends was my experience of cooking with kids!

Everyone is asleep now and I have a mess of a kitchen to clean up but I did get the cookies finished (and yes I put aside the ones that my small people touched, licked and breathed on).

I would love to hear your beloved kid stories~

There is stuff everywhere I look.  I have 2 fridges and 2 freezers full of food, kitchen counters buried under “stuff”, food and fingerprints covering the kitchen table, nerf darts scattered about the living room, the Wii remotes on the couch along with snuggly blankets.

Coats draped over chairs, shoes piled at the front door, recycling and trash already overflowing in the garage. The dishwasher seems to go from empty to full every half hour and the washing machine has not stopped since the arrival of our family on Sunday.  Including my family there a 6 kids, a teen and 4 adults.  It is far from quiet especially around meal time.

We have 11 people in our house for a week and my motto is to “embrace the chaos” and I encourage you to do the same in your home. It builds character.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the “perfection” of everything that we forget to slow down and just enjoy those around us.  I have tried to do that perhaps to a fault, the past few days. I spent more time on my couch and just hanging out in the kitchen on Monday than I have in months.  I watched some daytime TV; something I can say rarely happens around here.  I chatted with our family about current events and brainstormed ideas for my new “shoe” concept.

I cooked and cleaned in advance and have let go of the many little things that often take up most of my days.   I know that my house could use some TLC right now but we only have so much time with family  before they go home.  My house will be here for me to clean next week.  My kids can get back to a “normal” schedule in a few days – for now it is late nights and early mornings.  A few meltdowns here and there from being overtired and playing non-stop with their cousins.

It is in a word chaos – but it is fun, heart-warming and special to be able to have family come and visit.

The holiday season is particularly exhausting and it will officially be underway on Friday so look out. Instead of complaining about the long lines, parking lots and rude shoppers; embrace the chaos.  Look around you and watch people.  Be thankful that you can be out buying gifts and trimming trees.   When you pay attention and slow down amidst a crazy situation it can be very enlightening and entertaining.  You can take it all in and realize that some of the things we go nuts over really don’t matter all that much in the big picture of life.

The cleaning and laundry “fairy” probably won’t make an appearance here tonight.  It is okay we will enjoy playing some card games and look forward a day of thankfulness and good food.  The smell of a house on thanksgiving day is second to none.  Let go of all those little things that make you crazy while hosting people.  That is the first step to embracing your chaos!

Have a healthy, happy Thanksgiving.