Photo by Seraphimc

You have been waiting for this moment for months, maybe even years – the big day is near; perhaps a wedding, big race (triathlon, marathon), huge birthday party celebration, graduation, birth of a child,or large fundraising event. {For me it is the end of Mason’s treatment} The planning, thinking, celebrating, waiting and anticipation are killing you. It consumes your days and sometimes nights.   Can you relate? Have you experienced this before?

As the big day nears you start to feel anxiety over what you will do once it is over.  The let down of the big event and what life will hold after.  I remember wishing my wedding day could last forever.  After it was over it was like – well now what.  I am going to be like every other married person – no longer a “bride”.  No longer the “graduate”.  Your time is suddenly going to “free up” from thinking, planning, calling, organizing, meeting, decision making and more.

Then all of the sudden the day comes and goes – the child is born, the wedding day is over, the birthday party is a hit, the graduation is a mere memory. In a sense, you cross the finish line. You are finished – done-finito – There is often a huge let down.  It can be hard to explain – an empty sort of feeling.  A feeling of “loss” per say.  Am I the only one who has experienced this?

It can be scary.  I think it is a normal response to the “finish line”.  The type “A” people out there (not that I can relate) most likely will struggle with this phenomenon more often.  What can you do?  Here is my  thought two cents on this one.

1. Decompress – allow (or force) yourself some time to decompress, breath and take it one hour at a time.  Savor down time after a big life event.

2. Keep perspective – I know, you are rolling your eyes – here she goes with the perspective thing again…I think it is true – allow yourself to feel a bit lost or let down after the big event but know that you can’t hang on to it forever. Move on and look forward to other things that life has to offer.

3. Find a new “goal” to work toward.  Nothings says motivation like getting involved in a new activity.  Train for another (or a first) athletic event, make a scrapbook of the said event (wedding, birthday party, fundraiser)

4. Catch up on all the things in your life that had to take a back seat.  Home organizing projects, cleaning, keeping in touch with friends, reading that stack of books, play dates, coffee dates etc.

5. Embrace freedom!  Freedom from planning, freedom from details, freedom from training you get the idea.  While crossing the finish line can be a bittersweet event being on the other side has it’s benefits too!

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I made these blankets with lots of help hindrance from my 2 year old.

A big basement and all the toys have to be right on the fabric!

My fingers hurt from tying all the knots.

Thankfully the Olympics were on for most of the blanket making marathon which made for some good TV watching.

So when all 8 blankets were done we admired my work.

Each kid wanting to keep one for themselves.  Tough to understand that we were doing to donate the blankets to Project Linus.   Mason has gotten a few blankets from Project Linus while at Children’s Hospital.

“It is our mission to provide love, a sense of security, warmth and comfort to children who are seriously ill, traumatized, or otherwise in need through the gifts of new, handmade blankets and afghans, lovingly created by volunteer “blanketeers.” – Project Linus

Project Linus is also a participant in Disney’s Give a Day, Get a Day program launched in January.  They are aiming to inspire one million people to volunteer a day of community service and in return Disney is giving each person a one day pass to a Disney Resort.   Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it?  I have found that most things that sound too good to be true – are!  Not this time.

We showed up with blankets in hand, dropped them off at a designated place and time and 3 days later I got my link from Disney to print my vouchers.  It was seamless and very organized.  I was impressed.

If the stars align and tons of other stuff comes to fruition over the next 12 weeks then we will be heading out to California for my 1/2 marathon in San Diego and we will do one day at Disney for a mere $75 (the cost of the fabric for the blankets).   There are tons of community service options listed on the website so if making blankets is not for you I bet there is something that will spark your interest.

The Disney program seemed like a no-brainer.  Giving back is so important and the Disney pass is just an added bonus!

It is amazing they are doing this program – many families could not afford to go to Disney  and now are getting to go.   Lots of community service hours are being logged which is huge blessing.  A win/win for sure! If for some reason you can’t use the day at Disney you can donate it to a charity!!

This post is linked to Works for Me Wednesday ~

It’s popular – we listen to it WAY too much around this house but I never get sick of watching my kids dance and sing.  Sometimes you just need it.  A good turn it up, sing along track to make your Monday tolerable.

As we wrap up Mason’s treatment officially tomorrow (Tuesday), look forward to amazing St. Baldrick’s events this weekend, the removal of Mason’s central line next week and cap it all off with the World’s Largest Nerf Party I thought this was a fitting song.

I gotta feeling….that the next several weeks are going to be good ones!

Happy Mental Music Monday to you!

I Gotta Feeling

Letting go…

It means accepting that I can’t control much of what is going on in my life.

Accepting that I don’t have all the answers and sometimes don’t know the right choices to make.

A chapter is ending in that area of our life.

As with most things when a chapter closes another one starts

(whether we like it or not)

The unknown of this new chapter is scary but exciting.

I plan to embrace the newness of being free from cancer treatments and let go of the fear of it returning.

Letting go is hard – keeping perspective about your life is essential especially when you are faced with change.

I come from the school of thought that “it can always be worse”.

Occasionally, this can be to my detriment but generally this mindset keeps me grounded.

So if you are conflicted in areas of your life and need to “let go” of someone or something know that you are not alone.

Tons of us are facing hard choices, difficult times and uncertainly in our life.

These are all part of our “shoe story”.  We all have one and each and every day we add more to our “shoes of life”.  What matters most is how we walk in the “shoes of life”.

How adversity affects us.  Do we let it control us or do we take the initiative and find the good; see the blessings for what they are.

I know that I will make it – whatever this life hands me I will be okay. (and so will you)

I have a positive yet realistic attitude, a good support system and the desire to walk in my shoes of life with grace.  Even the letting go shoes.

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If you were to ask me, I probably would not say the words “I am a runner”…strange after 2 marathons, 2 half marathons and a handful of other events.  I am not built like a runner.  At 5′1″ my stride is very short and I have come to learn I am a bit injury prone.

For years and years I was a “walker”.  I walked and walked and walked.  Until one day in March of 2008 when a great friend told me she was going to train, raise money and run a half marathon for my son Mason. I wanted in on that. She found Team in Training and I have never looked back.

I have learned that running is such a individual activity. Some run so fast and for so long it blows my mind.  Others (like me) melt down at about mile 22 of a marathon.  Others alternate running with walking (which by the way is a great way to run a distance event). Many of you reading this don’t run at all. You may have a fear of running – like I once did. I used to say- “I don’t run; I walk”.  Why was that?  There was not really a reason just a brain block of sorts.

So 2 years ago I set out on my first run. I was apprehensive.  What will I look like running along the road?  Do I even know how to run?  Is there some book I should have read before I stepped outside of my house?  What about the tennis shoes I strapped on?  Were they the right shoes?

I had no idea how far I went.  It was exhilarating, challenging and liberating.  Compared to walking I was covering a lot more ground in a shorter amount of time.  This really plays to my impatient tendencies.

I knew we lived in a “hilly” area but WOW – I thought I was about to die along about the second hill.  I stopped and walked up most of it.  In the back of my mind I was thinking about the next time I ran and how I would set a goal to make it a bit farther up the hill before stopping and walking.  I was amazed that I already was thinking about my next run before I even finished my first run.

And then during the part of the run when I wanted to just be done along came a great song on my i-pod.  It motivated me to keep going and even move a bit faster toward my finish.

That week I ran a few more times.  I found I really liked it.  I found it took me to a place where I could loose my head and think about all sorts of things or think about nothing.  (truth be told, I usually think about TONS of stuff when I run).

So here I am two years later and many miles behind me.  I wonder, would I ever have taken up running if my friend had not decided to run a half marathon to honor Mason?  I don’t just run, I do lots of cross  training and other things but I find running challenges me (both mind and body) and I feel accomplished when I finish a good run.

I spoke to an old friend yesterday who said “I actually ran for two minutes on the treadmill and then I walked for a few then I ran again”  She was angry with her teen-aged daughter and found she had the “energy” to run because she was so frustrated.

I smiled to myself knowing that yesterday she would say “I don’t run” but perhaps in a few more months she will be in a different place and have found she actually does “run”.

Another friend of mine moved away from Colorado and from afar kept seeing a few of our FaceBook updates about running and the different races we were doing.  She signed up and trained for a 5K.  She had never run before. Last week I saw an update from her that she was doing a 5 mile race!  It is inspiring and exciting to watch people step out of their comfort zone and hit the treadmill or the pavement.

So I am curious – do you run?  Why or why not?  Please share and let me know I am not alone in this addiction of being a runner mommy.

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This post is linked to Real Life – Your Life, Your Blog

Recently I found Theta Mom’s site and really enjoy reading it. I encourage you to check it out.  The last Thursday of each month she does Time Out for Theta Mom encouraging moms to take one hour just for themselves.

Gasp – yes no children welcome during this time.

I have written about keeping your interests and passions a priority before and I do believe in the saying “if mom isn’t happy, no one is happy”.

As mothers we have a tendency to “set the mood” of the household.  I know when I get on one my rants the whole house pays.  So by taking time out for myself I am also doing my family a favor.

This month I want to share a story about my very part time business (and by very part time I mean barely make enough money to cover gas to the events).  I have always loved public speaking and decided after writing my book that I would try to share my story and ideas.

I started with MOPS (mother’s of pre-schoolers).  I was able to book about 7 speaking engagements from Sept – April.  I found I love the speaking curcuit. If I could do it more regurlarly without the pressure to make money or sell books I would be in heaven!   Of course that is not the reality of my situation but a girl can dream right?

I went to a MOPS group to speak on Feb 9th.  I had been at Children’s most of the day with Mason getting chemo and had also received some other stressful news.  Even though I was not really “feeling” it I mustered up the energy to talk to a group of women about finding perspective.

I bet you figured I could say a few things write another book on that topic (wink, wink).

When I arrived at the church I was anxious, a little worn down from the days events and not my usual upbeat self.  As I starting sharing my story and my thoughts I realized this (speaking) is MY therapy and a way that helps me to “walk in the shoes of my own life”.  Each time I talk to a group and I reach one person who says “thank you, you made a difference to me”  then I feel good and renewed.

After the presentation a woman approached me and said “Thank you so much, I really needed to hear your story and your ideas tonight”

I said “You are welcome.  I am glad it helped you.”

She told me that she had lost her mom to cancer just 5 days earlier.  While there is absolutely NOTHING I can say to comfort her I did tell her that I was so sorry.  I gave her a free copy of my book and hug.  I knew deep down inside that she did take away hope and strength from my words.

I find that if I can reach just one person then I have had a successful event. That night was no different.  Several women approached me and thanked me and shared some words about their lives and struggles.  I left with spring in my step.  A calm feeling about my head (which was spinning with thoughts just 2 hours earlier).

Most people don’t buy my book.  Perhaps they think that they cope well with adversity.  Perhaps it is because by purchasing it they would be admitting that they don’t cope well.  Who knows.  I do know what I am sharing is making a difference for someone who is struggling. That is why I continue to do it.

Would I love to sell millions of books?  Sure.  I would love to speak to larger audiences and get paid to do so.  I have these goals but marketing yourself and your book is a tough gig.  I am learning from each group I speak to and from the reading articles and websites. Speaking on Feb 9th was my “time out” for me even though it started out as a presentation for others.

I believe when you take time for you it makes you a better person.  A better mother, wife, friend, sister and daughter.  I encourage you to take a time out. You may be surprised at what activity brings you great joy.

]]> http://www.theshoeboxdaily.com/2010/02/time-out/feed/ 4 http://www.theshoeboxdaily.com/2010/02/keeping-memories-alive-digital-style/ http://www.theshoeboxdaily.com/2010/02/keeping-memories-alive-digital-style/#comments Wed, 24 Feb 2010 12:30:10 +0000 Catherine http://www.theshoeboxdaily.com/?p=1276

Not at day goes by that I don’t think about and miss my mom terribly.

Losing her 4 1/2 years ago was one of the hardest events thus far in my life.

Getting on with life is something for another post, but today I want to share with you a very easy way to help keep loved ones present in your day to day life (even if they are gone).

My computer is in the kitchen (gasp). I know, judge if you like, but that small “work space” in the kitchen is what I have to work with right now as I have given up the designated office in our house to a playroom/guest room.  I have a laptop (a Mac, which by the way I ADORE) in a docking station.  When it is in the docking station I use a stand alone screen.  After 2 1/2 minutes of inactivity my computer goes into screen saver mode - fondly known as memory lane in my kitchen.

I have set my screen saver to be a slide show from iphoto (in my display settings).  I have thousands of pictures on my computer for it to choose from so one never knows what will be picked next.

We have been known to stop what we are doing and talk about the photo that is scrolling on my screen saver.  When pictures of my mom pop up I always ask the kids ”who is that?”

Sometimes my youngest will say “mommy” -which breaks my heart (I do look just like my mom) but my other two will say “Grandma Char” and I will try and follow it up with some short anecdote about my mom.   A story or memory I have of her.

It helps keep her “alive” in our world without a whole lot of effort and explanation.   I do this with pictures of other relatives who live far away (Aunt Bob) as my youngest calls my brother in-law.  We talk about when we might see our extended family again and we may re-live an activity from when the picture was taken.

My kids LOVE to guess who “the baby” is…as they looked pretty similar as infants.  The photos are in random order spanning 6 years so we never know what we are going to get or what conversation it  will spark around the kitchen table.

You could do the same type of activity with a digital frame.  Load it with tons of different photos that have meaning to you or pictures of people you don’t want your kids to forget about.

Put the frame in a prominent area of your house – in the gathering spot and watch what happens.

Sometimes we watch the pictures for longer than we should; we get sucked in.  I will go to the computer and my kids will say “no wait – I want to see more pictures” –  in other words…don’t touch the mouse – the slide show will end.

These moments of remembering are very therapeutic and work for me.  It is good for my kids too.  We can stay somewhat connected to family near and far.

How do you keep memories alive in your home?

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This post is linked to WFMW over at We Are THAT Family~

I am not the “worrying”  type.  This might be a blessing (especially to those reading this who are chronic worriers).  I think I have a space, deep inside that worries a lot but I don’t often let it get far enough into my head to take over.

You only have a certain amount of “space” in your head so when you allow the thoughts that turn to worry to take up that space you spend more time in the “what if” stage of thought than the “what is”.

I have mentioned that I am a realist. This state of trying to see and accept what is “real” verses what might be/could be or wish it was is one of the ways I keep from worrying too much.

It has been said that only about a 10th of what we worry about matters. The rest either never happens or already happened, so it’s too late to do anything about it.

There is some debate and research about worrying being “genetic”. I think certainly some people are more susceptible to worrying based on some of their genes.  If that is the case, those people need to try even harder to force the worry out of their heads.

Try these ideas to help ease worries:

1. Clear your head. Use meditation, visualization or yoga techniques.  I have to admit – I stink at this.  I have a very hard time clearing my mind.  I struggle with slowing down and focusing on “my breathing”.

2. Write about your worries. Getting the thoughts out of your head an on to paper or a computer screen can be very therapeutic.  You may need to go as far as writing then throwing it away – deleting the file as a symbol to your brain that you are done with those thoughts and worries.

3. Think happy thoughts.  Do you even know what makes you happy?  Think about it?  Is it your kids, a travel adventure, a good book, an upcoming date or event?  When  you turn your thoughts to things that make you happy you will be shocked at how little room is left for worry.

Being happy and thinking happy thoughts is most defiantly a choice.  It can be a hard choice but it is a choice and you can make it for yourself.

So the moral of the story is Don’t Worry, Be Happy

You deserve it!

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

Happy Mental Music Monday y’all!

]]> http://www.theshoeboxdaily.com/2010/02/dont-worry-be-happy/feed/ 2 http://www.theshoeboxdaily.com/2010/02/being-one-of-those-familie/ http://www.theshoeboxdaily.com/2010/02/being-one-of-those-familie/#comments Wed, 17 Feb 2010 20:06:03 +0000 Catherine http://www.theshoeboxdaily.com/?p=1260

February 2003

A bright blue Colorado sky.

A 12 week old little boy in his car seat.

A “healthy” report from the pediatrician at a well child check.

A call to my mom to tell her the “stats”, height, weight and of course how perfectly healthy he is.

I hang up the phone, turn on the radio and hear a story that changed my thought process immediately.

A local radio station was doing their Annual 36 hours for Kids broadcast from Children’s Hospital.  It was like a train wreck – I could not turn off the radio because I got sucked into the heart wrenching stories of families who have children treated at Children’s.  Families who uprooted their lives to move to Denver to have their child treated for a life threatening illness, a heart transplant, cancer, daily dialysis treatments.

It apparently is a whole other world to have a sick child.  I had no idea.  Call me naive or ignorant but I never knew anyone who had to even step foot inside of a  Children’s Hosptial.  All of my friends (myself included) had healthy children.

Listening to the stories of heartbreak and hope moved me to pick up my phone and call. It went a bit like this -

Operator “Thanks for calling Alice 36 Hours for Kids would you like to be a Partner in Hope for only $15 a month?”

Me “Sure”

Operator “Are you donating on behalf of a specific child?”

Me “Umm I was moved to call because I have a perfectly healthy 12 week old little boy and I can’t imagine being one of the families I heard about on the radio.  In fact, I don’t know anyone who has even had to go to Children’s Hospital”

Operator “Well thank you, that is amazingly generous.  You are helping children and families who have to be treated at The Children’s Hospital”

Me “Well I am very blessed to have a healthy child and happy to do something to help”

I have been Miracle Maker (previously A Partner in Hope) ever since.

Fast forward 6 years (Feb 2009) and Mason and I are in the lobby of Children’s Hospital waiting to be on the radio encouraging people to call and donate.

It went like this.

DJ “With us now is Mason Bernard and his mom Catherine.  Mason has spent a lot of time at Children’s Hospital.  He was 2 1/2 when he was diagnosed with Leukemia.  Tell me about that”

I recount the events of his diagnosis.

DJ “Recently you have spent quite a bit of time here at Children’s”

Me “Yes in 2008 we spent over 90 nights here.  We are in week 45 of 104 of Mason’s relapse treatment”

DJ ” I hear you have a story to share about how you got involved with The 36 Hours for Kids years ago.  Share that with us”

I tell the story (like above) when Mason was 12 weeks old.  I come to realize we are one of THOSE families -the ones that I heard about back in 2003.  The ones that had a child with a life threatening illness. The ones who benefit from the amazing facility and care that Children’s brings to the Denver metro area.

I of course, never in a million years thought we would be one of those families.  Before May of 2005 we were just like any other family in town.  Just going along about our life with our two children.  Ignorant really that kids even get sick at all.   We realize even with all we have been through that we are so very blessed.

We get to leave the hospital at the end of the day and there are so many people who have to stay month after month and sometimes leave without their child.  We have had our eyes opened to so many hardships and struggles.  It has made us appreciate so many things we once took for granted.

So today, as I listen to the radio-a-thon and am almost on the other side of this fence (at least compared to a year ago) I am thankful and feeling blessed.   I am glad I called in back in 2003 and committed to helping simply because I recognized I was lucky.  It makes me feel good and even today brings a smile to my face.

You just never know how life will unfold; so don’t wait to reach out and give to something you feel passionate about or drawn to.

One of the things I have come to realize is that if we embrace the newness of each day that does not mean that each new day won’t have its own struggle or that the struggles from yesterday will be gone.

We wake up around here and Mason still has treatment for cancer, we still have astronomical medical bills and insurance challenges.  My mom is still gone; I won’t get to talk to her.  Our struggles are still there day after day.

Let’s be honest, many times days are hard and they come one after another. It may seem like these hard days are never ending.   That is when we have to dig deep and find inner strength.

May times we have to make it through lots of hard days in order to get to the easier days.  How?  How do we not get sucked into negativity? Is there a way to be happy even during adversity? What if it is not just one struggle but multiple hardships that are plaguing us?

I have a few suggestions (shocking I know) that I have practiced for occasions such as this.  I recently had to revisit these ideas in order to reach my “easier” days and in to manage multiple stresses at the same time.

• Focus on what you can control. For many of us the lack of control we have over our stressful situations makes it very hard to deal with.  Instead of worrying about the things that can’t be controlled pick something (even if it is what is for dinner) and do something about it.  Take on one thing that you CAN control and do it.  It will make you feel better

• Change your scenery.  Get outside and take a walk or a run.  Even in the winter a change of scenery is essential for stress management.  Take a nature walk with your kids.  Be outside enjoying God’s gift of nature.  It slows your mind; turns your focus to simpler things and will help in the trenches of hard days.

• Document your blessings. Write a list of all the things you are thankful for.  All the things that make you smile.  Sounds corny I know but when was the last time you made a big giant listing of things you are happy about?  Things you are looking forward to?  Include your kids in this exercise.  Nothing turns our outlook like the excitement of a child.

• Get lost in the music. I know I have said it a million times but music is such great therapy.  Make a play-list on your ipod that are your all time favorite “crank it up” songs.  The ones that no matter what make you think of happier times.  The songs that you just can’t help but want to get up and dance to.  The songs that only sound good played REALLY loud.  You know the ones – use them when you need a mental break from your hard days.

For today’s Mental Music Monday Tuesday I choose one of my favorite songs for perking me up!

I Will Survive

I hope you enjoy it and I want to know, what is one of your all time favorite mood buster songs?